In the last edition of #CoffeeThoughts, I talked about how I had to walk away from a 5+ year friendship that had become toxic. What I was not expecting was how hard it would be to move on from it. I know in my heart I made the right decision because I am at peace and feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders. This friendship turned bad, really bad. They played the victim, everything was dramatic and about them. I was a friend of convenience. I only was spoken to in their free time, rather than them freeing up time to talk to me like a friend should.
I never thought I would find it so difficult to move on. It’s not like the last 6-12 months have been like they were. My best friend was no longer there. I stopped turning to them as the first person I went to when I needed someone to talk to. However, they were still someone I relied on heavily to help center me when things got tough, and 2017 was a year of tough.
Since my surgery, I have been having difficulty centering myself and finding my way as my life changes with weight loss. Not having my “best friend” to talk to has been difficult. Yes, I have made new friends who I turn to now, but a lot of them weren’t close to me before surgery. Not having someone I was close to before surgery to help me through this has been so hard. Every day gets easier but also harder. As new things come up, I have no one to turn to.
I find myself wondering if I did the right thing by walking away or did I just give up on someone. Then I remember how I was given up on twice in the last year by them. Oh did I leave that out? Yea, right around the time of surgery as well as around Thanksgiving I was blocked, out of nowhere, for no reason with no explanation. So why do I feel guilty? Why the fuck should I feel bad for walking away from a toxic person who never gave a shit about me? Because I am a good person. Every day gets easier for me to move on, it gets easier to live my life without my so-called “best friend” and I am forming new relationships and close friendships.
To those I have become close with over the last 6 months, thank you so much.